Slacker, Fast Greens and Dave Pelz

Hello once again my friends, this is Slacker the Hacker and I’m here to ask you about fast greens. I recently played on a nice private course that doesn’t get much play so the greens were excellent. Myself I like a nice smooth, fast green, it makes me feel like a TV pro. My usual is to play on courses that host many, many rounds and are well worn by my fellow grinders and their overweight spike dragging friends, but I have promised not to lecture, soap box, or judge people here, all are welcome and you know who you are anyway. Now back to greens that turn other golfers green with envy. I prefer at the moment to not leave too many tracks around our discussions so for now I won’t mention the name of the course I was on but it was a hook-up which is the best way to play and the conditions were everything I was led to expect going in. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows the Assistant Superintendent’s cousin and she let us know we were in for a treat. Usually when someone is rhapsodizing about the condition of their lawn I pull a quick snooze and rejoin the conversation later but I had to listen to her, she’s a player and she drove a beer cart through college so she knows what she’s talking about. The greens were the stuff to talk about at this track, big, undulating, and with a nice slick look, the kind of look you could never get with Bulky and his buddies playing in front of you, that’s like putting on a Parcheesi board. My wallet was happy because I had my secret weapon with me, Hackenstein the Caddy, and even though he spent the night before sleeping in the van and looked and smelled like he slept in the monkey cage, his eyes were clear and I could tell he was getting excited when we were warming up on the practice green. You see Hackenstein has a Ph. D. on the greens and can figure out speed and break better than anyone and explain it to me in a way that I understand, and even though he was playing and not carrying, he was still going to be helping me since we were partners. Plus he was getting nine strokes which for him is bullshit both ways but I wasn’t going to argue, I just upped the wagers, bought the bloodies, and double checked my meds. The whole thing went like clockwork, our opponents were nice in a “we don’t drink alcohol” type of way, and they stayed nice even when they gave us a fat sack of cash at the end of it all, good people, good times, and nice memories. Now if you don’t have a walking set of genius eyeballs to take with you to the golf course, then you might have to find a way on your own to improve your performance on the shortest grass, because practice alone won’t do it, my friend, you need better information. Lessons work well if you can find a good pro, I call my guy Pants, because he never wears shorts no matter how hot it is. Lessons can be good, especially if you are having specific problems, but more information can sometimes be found in the library. Now until someone puts forth some effort into their own cause, I don’t like to hear ‘em bitch about it. If you’re hoping for some advice on putting this week then I’ll just say, go to the library. Not just any library, but the biggest library ever written on the subject (I think) and that would be the Dave Pelz library. I’ll tell you right up front, I do not putt the way Pelz would have me putt, but the information, both scientific and theorized, is an excellent source for improving your performance in that part of the game that will get you the most fanfare, lower your scores, and probably get you more love in your life. I’m not joking, when you are happy and confident, the fairer golfers will notice you more often, no one likes being around grumpy, pissed off three putters for long. Until again, this is Slacker the Hacker saying knock ‘em up there tight and expand your mind.