Slacker, Fast Greens and Dave Pelz

Hello once again my friends, this is Slacker the Hacker and I’m here to ask you about fast greens. I recently played on a nice private course that doesn’t get much play so the greens were excellent. Myself I like a nice smooth, fast green, it makes me feel like a TV pro. My usual is to play on courses that host many, many rounds and are well worn by my fellow grinders and their overweight spike dragging friends, but I have promised not to lecture, soap box, or judge people here, all are welcome and you know who you are anyway. Now back to greens that turn other golfers green with envy. I prefer at the moment to not leave too many tracks around our discussions so for now I won’t mention the name of the course I was on but it was a hook-up which is the best way to play and the conditions were everything I was led to expect going in. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows the Assistant Superintendent’s cousin and she let us know we were in for a treat. Usually when someone is rhapsodizing about the condition of their lawn I pull a quick snooze and rejoin the conversation later but I had to listen to her, she’s a player and she drove a beer cart through college so she knows what she’s talking about. The greens were the stuff to talk about at this track, big, undulating, and with a nice slick look, the kind of look you could never get with Bulky and his buddies playing in front of you, that’s like putting on a Parcheesi board. My wallet was happy because I had my secret weapon with me, Hackenstein the Caddy, and even though he spent the night before sleeping in the van and looked and smelled like he slept in the monkey cage, his eyes were clear and I could tell he was getting excited when we were warming up on the practice green. You see Hackenstein has a Ph. D. on the greens and can figure out speed and break better than anyone and explain it to me in a way that I understand, and even though he was playing and not carrying, he was still going to be helping me since we were partners. Plus he was getting nine strokes which for him is bullshit both ways but I wasn’t going to argue, I just upped the wagers, bought the bloodies, and double checked my meds. The whole thing went like clockwork, our opponents were nice in a “we don’t drink alcohol” type of way, and they stayed nice even when they gave us a fat sack of cash at the end of it all, good people, good times, and nice memories. Now if you don’t have a walking set of genius eyeballs to take with you to the golf course, then you might have to find a way on your own to improve your performance on the shortest grass, because practice alone won’t do it, my friend, you need better information. Lessons work well if you can find a good pro, I call my guy Pants, because he never wears shorts no matter how hot it is. Lessons can be good, especially if you are having specific problems, but more information can sometimes be found in the library. Now until someone puts forth some effort into their own cause, I don’t like to hear ‘em bitch about it. If you’re hoping for some advice on putting this week then I’ll just say, go to the library. Not just any library, but the biggest library ever written on the subject (I think) and that would be the Dave Pelz library. I’ll tell you right up front, I do not putt the way Pelz would have me putt, but the information, both scientific and theorized, is an excellent source for improving your performance in that part of the game that will get you the most fanfare, lower your scores, and probably get you more love in your life. I’m not joking, when you are happy and confident, the fairer golfers will notice you more often, no one likes being around grumpy, pissed off three putters for long. Until again, this is Slacker the Hacker saying knock ‘em up there tight and expand your mind.

Black Friday

Happy Thanksgiving from Slacker the Hacker and here's wishing you good fortune in your Black Friday tournaments. Hackenstein the Caddy wanted me to remind you that "when you've got your extra layers on, remember to take an extra club or two and just put a good move on the ball, no need to be thrashing around like Thor when you're in your goretex...drink lots of cough syrup before you go out and don't be bashful when its your turn to pull on the schnapps bottle, but keep your wits about you and ..." sorry that's enough, he'll continue like this for awhile. Lots of guys are going to be playing in tournaments on Black Friday, it's kind of a tradition around the game, and some of these are looser than others. Myself I like a nice Wild West type of loose affair where you show up and the action just starts flying. Dr. Hack used to say the action would determine the field and we'd usually end up with a couple of small fields within the crowd, some wanted quarters and they found each other , some wanted dollars and they found each other, and others wanted action which needed a smaller field anyway, usually just the top two foursomes. This action would build throughout the round with fortunes changing quickly and in large swings and if you lose your game here for a hole or two then my friend, you are toast, which in these deals always meant you were taking somebody down with you for the ride. Best to take Hackenstein's Management Techniques to heart, just club up and stay in the game, weaker putters will and do falter in the end. The clubhouse is the great meeting ground after the game is played. Dr. Hack theorizes (his word) that since the action is relative, the stories are equal. We listened to two guys comparing how they played the par 3 sixteenth like a couple of morons and how they both lost a giant sack of cash on that hole, one guy tripled and lost his overall match and something like three presses, and the other dude took an 8 with two in the water and lost the back nine and total of his nassau after winning the front by one, thinking he was going to beat his brother in law for the first time in nineteen years. They toasted each others misfortune and then toasted their vows to hit more balls and hook it on 16 every fing time from now on. When they parted company and went to tell more poor sacks their sad stories, Dr. Hack and I compared notes. He had played with the guy who lost the nassau deal and I was behind the guy that tripled his way to failure and ruin. Their stories had been shared and they felt like equals because the action was relative to what each wanted, the amount didn't matter...nassau dude lost five bucks...match and presses plus the rest of his nightmare was a g and a half, but they felt equal pain in losing it. The good news was Hackenstein turned out to be partners with the guy who took that dude's thousands and we hit a casino on the way home like kings who owned the joint, good memories. If you want to share any parts of your journey through the game, just post a comment. Until again, this is Slacker the Hacker saying Happy Holidays and practice your putting, in the end it'll be all you've got.

Introductions

I am Slacker the Hacker and we are here to talk about golf as the journey. I don’t know exactly what that means but, they say I have to get off the couch and do something so here we are. Know this now before we start that many stories will follow and most are embellished, exaggerated, fictionalized, or otherwise completely lacking any basis in reality whatsoever, oh and all the names have been changed in order to blackmail the innocent later. When I’m not doing nothing I like to be out golfing, whether hitting balls, playing, or side betting on TV pros, I just love the lifestyle. My caddy’s name is Hackenstein, again not his real name but because he limps, gimps, and is best kept separate from the general population. Hackenstein is a genius when it comes to making it to the first tee on time with bloodies in the cart. As a caddy the best thing I can say is he drives the van, this is huge for me because my meds often leave me not wanting to operate heavy machinery and I like to take naps. He can read greens, too. He read some breakers down in Alabama once that paid rent for the whole winter and left us with a little bar money too. He doesn’t need much and he’s easy to feed and keeps himself entertained for the most part, and he’s dead helpful when it comes to managing the course, with luck he’ll throw some tips your way along the journey. Gotta get for now, teeing early tomorrow, don’t ask me why, we’re hooked up through a friend of a friend of a friend on some private club deal, sounded like easy bank at the time but now it just feels early. I hear they do have good greens, nice and fast with lots of undulation, having a quality pair of eyes like Hacks is going to help a lot plus he’s my partner and he’s getting 9 strokes, I think the dude must want to do business or something, maybe I’ll let you know how it goes later, in the meantime hit ‘em hard and shout if you need me.

Where to go?

Where would you go if you could go anywhere to play golf? Would you seek warmth, water views, and ocean breezes? Would you seek out new experiences on higher mountain courses full of fresh air, wildlife and valley views? Golf is just one of many ways to see the world and whether you seek out the solitude of lonely areas or the hustle and bustle of the busiest tracks it comes down to the experiences you have along the way and that is the sights, sounds, smells, the touch of the turf and the taste of the snack bar that stays with you. How many memories come flooding back when we leave a cold course for a warm clubhouse and smell the fire, can you remember the sound of steel spikes on concrete, tell us where you have been or where you want to go. All comments are welcome and lets hear some good stories, my name is Slacker the Hacker and I want to hear all about it.